Like We Never Loved At All
by Bookkbaby
Summary: Songfic oneshot. YukiShuichi. Yuki and Shuichi fought, and Shuichi has left. This time, perhaps for good. Can Yuki survive without his lover, and how will he win him back?


Disclaimer: I don't own. I make no money and have very little. Don't sue. I don't own the song either.

You never looked so good as you did last night, underneath the city lights, there walking with your friend, laughing at the moon. I swear you looked right through me. But I'm still living with your goodbye, and you're just going on with your life.

Yuki

Yuki walked down the streets of the city, heading to one of his regular haunts. Well, regular since he and Shuichi had broken up.

He, being an idiot, had once again yelled at the pink-haired singer, not expecting Shuichi to leave him completely.

Flashback

"Don't you have something better to do than annoy me?" Yuki asked, typing on his computer.

"But Yuki, I was just telling you about my day-" Shuichi said, looking very much like a kicked puppy. Yuki did this every time Shuichi said something, sure, but it still hurt to hear.

"Why don't you just shut up for once? Nothing can be important enough to interrupt my work." Yuki said, then stopped typing for a moment. He turned to Shuichi. "Why don't you go talk to Hiro or Ryuichi? Just go. I don't care where."

"Nothing's important enough? What if I got hurt, or what if I was sick or something?" Shuichi asked, hoping more than anything that Yuki would tell him that he was important enough to put his work on hold. Yuki just looked at him.

"Didn't I say that there wasn't anything important enough to interrupt my work?" Yuki said. Shuichi felt like he had been slapped.

"You... don't care?" Shuichi said, on the verge of tears.

"No, I don't. Are you leaving yet?" Yuki asked, needing to finish his novel. He was behind on the deadline and had to finish the book soon. Shuichi looked down, bangs covering his eyes.

"You really want me to leave?" he asked. For a second, Yuki felt something strangely like remorse, but he shoved the emotion down.

"Yes." he said, turning back to his computer. He missed the first few tears that fell down Shuichi's face as Shuichi stood up and left the study. His missed the sound of Shuichi packing his things quickly. He missed the sound of the telephone as Shuichi called for a cab to come and pick him up. He missed the sound of Shuichi scribbling out a short note. He missed seeing Shuichi grab his coat, but he noticed when Shuichi came back into his study.

"Now what do you want? Weren't you leaving?" Yuki asked, angry. He turned quickly, intent on yelling at Shuichi so that he'd be left alone. He saw Shuichi's face, streaked with tears, and that paused him for a moment. It was long enough for Shuichi to say what he needed to.

"I'm leaving. For real this time. I just wanted to say goodbye." Shuichi said.

"Finally!" Yuki said, throwing his hands up in the air in an exaggerated gesture of relief. "I was wondering when you'd finally get as tired of me as I am of you." Yuki watched the scene play out as though on autopilot. He had done this before, with Shuichi even, but something felt different. Usually Shuichi would run off crying and then Yuki would go and find him in the park later and they would make up. Yuki just needed Shuichi off his back for a while.

Too late, his mind registered the duffel bags in Shuichi's hands. That was different. Shuichi had never taken his bags with him before...

"You never cared..." Shuichi whispered, sounding hollow. He turned to face the door of the study. "I'll leave. I'm sorry to bother you, Yuki." Shuichi said, stifling a sob as he said his ex-lover's name. With a sinking feeling, a small part of Yuki's brain realized that Shuichi meant it this time.

"Fine then! Leave! See if I care!" he yelled at the pink haired singer's retreating back. Shuichi could no longer hold back his tears and let out a loud sob as he ran the rest of the way to the door, unlocking it and running out into the hall, letting the door slam behind him.  
Yuki stopped glaring at the spot that Shuichi had previously occupied and went to sit back at his laptop.

After five minutes, he gave up. He couldn't concentrate, for some reason. The apartment was too quiet. Growling, he grabbed his coat and a cigarrette, lighting up as he left his apartment, locking it behind him.

Yuki had walked to the park, sure that Shuichi would be there and refusing to acknowledge the fact that he had seen bags in Shuichi's hand and every other time this scenario had played out Shuichi had left his things at the apartment.

Reaching the gates, Yuki casually walked in, taking a drag on his cigarrette and puffing out the smoke. He walked towards the benches where he and Shuichi had first met, surprised not to find Shuichi. Quickly, dread mounting as he covered more of the park, he searched the entire park for hours, calling out Shuichi's name as the night wore on.

By the time he returned home, certain that Shuichi was not in the park, he was out of cigarrettes, exhausted, cold, and emotionally numb. He collapsed on his bed, hearing the crunch of paper beneath him. Curious and not thinking clearly, he lifted himself off the paper and grabbed it, holding it before his bleary eyes.

He was shocked when he read the paper, and quickly read it again to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

'Yuki-

Goodbye. I'm sorry for being an annoying little brat. I guess (a watermark marred the paper here, but it didn't matter- Yuki could read it just fine, unfortunately) I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Goodbye.

-Shuichi'

The signifigance of that hit him like a ton of bricks.

''It just wasn't meant to be'?' Yuki thought, that phrase repeating in his mind over and over again as he curled up in his bed, not bothering to change. That statement hurt more than almost anything else he had experianced in his life.

The meaning was clear.

Shuichi had given up on them. He had finally succeeded in wearing the boy down and forcing him to finally leave.

Why did it hurt so much?

End Flashback

That had been two months ago, but the ache was still there, strong as ever. To deal with it, he had stopped work on his new novel and had written something new, something different...

He had written a collection of snippets he remembered from when he and Shuichi had been living together, just a few pages from his point of view. A memoir to how they had felt about each other, he supposed. It was due to come out soon- he had sent it to his editor when she had demanded his manuscript for the book he was supposed to be working on. He had shown it to her, not expecting her to read it. She had been in tears when she talked to him on the phone, saying that his new work was one of the most touching things she had ever read. She said that she hadn't expected it, but she wanted to publish it, saying it would be sensational. He had let her, not really caring, though a small part of him had hoped that Shuichi would read it and maybe... maybe Shuichi would come back to him. He knew it was too much to hope for, though. Since Shuichi had left, Bad Luck had appeared more often on TV, as the lead singer 'had more time to spend on his band'. Shuichi hadn't seemed all that down about the break-up, and no one had asked about it. Yuki had a sneaking suspiscion that his brother-in-law had slipped the TV producers some money not to ask about it.

He grabbed a cigarrette and light up. His addiction had gotten worse since Shuichi had left. Hell, he didn't really take care of himself anymore. Unless he had to leave the house he didn't shave or shower, and he rarely ate.

A flash of pink caught his eye. He looked up, shocked.

Down the block, Shuichi was walking with Ryuichi, talking and laughing. Yuki ducked into an alley, not wanting to be seen by the pink-haired vocalist.

"It looks like a banana cream pie!" Ryuichi was saying as he and Shuichi passed Yuki's hiding place.

"It does, it does!" Shuichi replied, pointing at the full moon. Yuki listened to them as they passed by.

'Well, he certainly doesn't have any problems moving on.' he thought bitterly, stepping out of the alley and watching them walk down the block. For a second, he was certain that Shuichi had looked back at him and paused, their eyes meeting, but then Shuichi kept walking. Yuki just watched silently until they were out of sight.

How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye? Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me? Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall like we never loved at all.

'He didn't say anything to me.' Yuki thought. 'He saw me, I'm sure of it, but he didn't say anything.' He remembered a time when Shuichi would've eagerly run to him and jumped into his arms, not caring who saw or what he was currently doing.

'Does he not love me anymore?' Yuki asked himself, refusing to let the moisture he felt in his eyes fall. He had taken the singer's love for granted, thinking that it would always be there. He had even managed to convince himself that he didn't love the singer back, but his illusions no longer held up now that his Shuichi was gone. He could deal with it if Shuichi now hated him- it would be so much easier if Shuichi had glared at him before turning back, or even stuck out his tongue in a childish show of 'I don't like you'. Shuichi hadn't reacted at all to Yuki- he was simply indifferent. That hurt much more than any cruel words.

'Maybe he just does that so he's not hurt by the break-up?' Yuki thought, hoping it to be true while knowing that it probably wasn't. Shuichi was someone that lived with his heart on his sleeve, most of the time.

'Maybe he just wants to forget the whole thing, like I do...' Yuki thought, resuming his walk to the bar he had started for earlier in the evening. 'The only difference is that he wants to forget because he regrets ever being with me, while I regret being unable to keep him. Damnit!' he thought, a flash of self-hatred surging suddenly. 'Why couldn't I just realize this sooner?' He was taken from his thoughts when his cell phone rang. He answered it quickly.

"What?" he asked, snapping.

"Yuki-san, since your book is supposed to come out in two days I've arranged a TV appearence for you. It's the same show, same time as when you did that appearence for your last book, remember? Do you still remember where that is?" his editor asked.

"Yes, I remember. Anything else?" Yuki asked, not calming down in the slightest. His editor sounded slightly put-out when she next spoke.

"No. Have a nice night, Yuki-san." A click signaled the end of the phone call.

Yuki turned around and stomped back to his car for the drive home. He would have to put his plans for the bar on hold, since- as he remembered- the TV appearence last time had been early and he hated to be on TV hungover. It usually made him say things he'd rather not be public information.

You, I hear you're doing fine. Seems like you're doing well as far as I can tell. Time is leaving us behind, (time – leaving us behind) another week has passed and still I haven't laughed yet. So tell me, what your secret is (I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know) to letting go, letting go like you did, like you did.

Shuichi

Shuichi lay idle on the couch in Hiro's apartment- he had been staying there for a while, having been offered the free room.

Shuichi looked up at the clock, smiling slightly, eyes red-rimmed. He had spent most of last night crying. Shortly after leaving the studio on a walk with Ryuichi, he had run into Yuki.

'Seeing his face still hurts.' Shuichi thought sadly. he had almost no willpower when it came to Yuki, and he had almost run to his ex-boyfriend and begged forgiveness if he could just be let back in... but no. It had taken everything to just turn away and keep walking, but he had broken down when he had gotten to his apartment. It was almost like the second week of the break-up- the first he had been constantly telling himself that Yuki would seek him out and try to win him back- the denial stage. It hurt to admit, but the second week he had finally admitted to himself that Yuki wasn't coming back and had cried often, crying himself to sleep, crying when he was reminded of Yuki, crying for no reason.

He had been watching all of the interviews he had of Yuki- he had secretly taped them for times when his lover wasn't at home and he needed to see him. Pictures wouldn't do- he wanted to hear Yuki's voice. Yuki was going to be on TV again today- shuichi didn't want to miss it.  
The clock chimed 6 am. Quickly, Shuichi set up the VCR to tape the show and turned the TV on.

"- and we have a new book from an old favorite. Yuki Eiri's new book, 'Like We Never Loved At All' is likely to follow the same route of many of his other books and will quickly become a bestseller, according to experts. We're lucky enough to have a live interview with the man himself, and now we go to Julian Brown." The image of the newscaster disappeared to be replaced with the image of a plain-looking woman with black hair.

"Thank you. For those of you just tuning in, with us today is the famous author Yuki Eiri to discuss his new book, which will go on sale tomorrow. Yuki-san, could you tell us why you decided to write this novel instead of completing the sequel to your last book?" The camera panned over to an attractive blonde man in a nice suit. Shuichi breathed in deep, savoring the image.

'Yuki...' he thought, smiling sadly. Even though he and Yuki had been apart for a long time, his love for the other had not diminished in the least. He would get over it eventually, he knew, but for now he was still holding on.

"I didn't feel like finishing that particular book just yet, and personal... circumstances inspired the book. It is actually a work of non-fiction, but I hope nobody is too disappointed." Yuki said, a casual smirk on his face. The reporter seemed taken aback.

"So you're switching from writing fiction to non-fiction? What prompted this?" she asked. Yuki was quick to correct her.

"I'm not switching. This book was prompted by circumstances in my life and I wrote about it. My editor saw it and said that she just HAD to publish it. It didn't matter to me if anyone read it, so I let her. I'll be back to writing fiction soon enough." Yuki said. The reporter calmed down.

'I guess she's a fan of his too.' Shuichi thought, though he was partially wondering what Yuki could have written about.

"Can you tell us what your new book is about? With a title like 'Like We Never Loved At All', you would have to wonder..."

"It's about my personal love life- nothing too personal, though. Little things I've noticed since I broke up with my last lover." Yuki said, being uncharacteristically open. Shuichi's eyes went wide.

'Does he mean me?' he thought, slowly realizing that, yes, Yuki was talking about him! The book had been written about the two of them!

'Oh, Yuki...' Shuichi thought, wishing more than anything that they were together again. Yuki, however, seemed like he didn't care about his previous lover. Yuki easily answered the questions the reporter asked him without actually telling who the lover was, not batting an eye and showing no sign of wanting to cry. Yuki, in short, showed no sign of missing Shuichi.  
'How can he be like that?' Shuichi wondered, feeling his eyes fill up with tears again. 'How can he be so indifferent?' Shuichi hadn't truly been happy since the break-up, constantly pining for Yuki. Sure, he acted the same when out in public, and he still attempted to laugh with his friends, but those that knew him well and were attentive knew that it was obviously a front and attempted to cheer him up.

How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me? Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall like we never loved at all.

Shuichi watched Yuki's interview- a whole half-hour- but then turned off the television as the interview ended.

'I miss him so much.' Shuichi thought. He knew that he couldn't continue on like this without Yuki- he just had to see him, in person. Decision made, he grabbed his coat and ran out of Hiro's apartment, catching a cab to the TV station. He hoped to catch Yuki before he left.

The cab sped towards the station, stopping there ten minutes later. Shuichi quickly grabbed some money and shoved it at the cabbie, telling him to keep the change. The cabbie muttered a 'thanks' and drove off, leaving Shuichi to find Yuki. The pink-haired boy ran inside the building, only stopping when he reached the secretary's desk.

"May I help you..?" she asked, uncertain.

"Yuki... Yuki Eiri. Where... is he?" Shuichi asked, in-between gasps for air. The woman took on a guarded look, thinking he was a stalker.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know where he is." she lied. Shuichi glared at her.

"I'm Shindo Shuichi, lead singer of Bad Luck. Yuki's... a friend. I need to see him. Please." he begged, looking so desperate you had to feel sorry for him.

"He left five minutes ago, heading to his apartment. I'm sorry-" she said.

"Thank you!" Shuichi said, turning around and darting out the door. He quickly hailed another cab and told him to drive straight to Yuki's apartment complex.

'Please, be there Yuki.' Shuichi thought, hoping that Yuki wouldn't leave right after getting there. He kept himself occupied trying to figure out a way to make Yuki take him back. He couldn't live without Yuki- a part of himself had been missing these past few months, and now he was determined to get it back.

Yuki

Yuki slumped down onto his couch. That interview had made him tired. It wasn't like it had been easy to talk about it, but no one knew what a painful subject it was for him. All the questions had been like rubbing salt in an open wound. He missed Shuichi so much- but he was slowly accepting the fact that he and Shuichi wouldn't get back together.

A frantic knock came at the door.

"What?" he shouted, not wanting to be bothered. The knocking came even more frantically.

"Damnit! Shut up already!" Yuki yelled. He was in no mood for company.

"Please, open the door! Please Yuki!" Yuki froze in shock.

"Shuichi...?" he whispered to himself, getting up in a daze- he barely even heard the frantic knocking at the door. In a trance, he opened the door slowly, eyes wide as something his eyes registered as pink jumped into his arms. He fell backwards, arms automatically going around the boy in his arms as the door slammed shut.

Something wet was making his shirt damp- Shuichi was crying?

"Why are you here?" Yuki asked finally, voice sounding unintentionally gruff. Shuichi sniffled and pulled from Yuki's embrace.

"I missed you." Shuichi said, looking down. "I..." He looked up, eyes brimming with tears. "I wanted to see you!"

Did you forget the magic?

Yuki was shocked. He thought that Shuichi hadn't cared anymore... that Shuichi had stopped loving him...

"I'm sorry. I tried to forget... I promised myself that I wouldn't come after you anymore... I didn't want to bother you again, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I'm sorry!" Shuichi said, crying and sniffling.

Did you forget the passion?

"Just couldn't stay away, huh?" Yuki said, a slight smirk on his face, remembering nights with Shuichi that he had tried to forget when the boy had left him. Shuichi nodded, half-laughing and half-crying at what Yuki said.

Oh, and did you ever miss me, and long to kiss me? Oh baby, baby.

"Did... you ever miss me?" Shuichi asked hesitantly, glancing up to Yuki's eyes. Shuichi was still crying, not sure if Yuki had forgiven him, or if Yuki was just planning to kick him out.

Surprisingly, Yuki nodded. Shuichi practically shone with happiness at the nod- that was all he wanted. Yuki hadn't said that he loved Shuichi, just that he had missed him, but it was good enough for him.

Yuki leaned forward, pressing his lips to Shuichi's and gently coaxing them open. Shuichi eagerly responded, kissing back with all the love he felt for Yuki.

After a few seconds, they broke apart for air.

"I missed that a lot." Yuki said quietly, resting his forehead against Shuichi's.

Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall like we never loved at all

"Yuki..." Shuichi said, smiling hugely and latching onto his love. It had been too long since he had done this...

Yuki wrapped his arms around his small lover, inhaling the scent of the strawberry shampoo that Shuichi used.

"I thought you didn't care about me at all." Shuichi said in a small voice, not wanting to interrupt this moment- with Yuki, these moment were few and far between.

"Why?" Yuki asked. "I thought I made it obvious. Why else would I let you stay?"

"But... you told me that you were sick of me... and you never seemed to miss me when you were doing an interview..." Shuichi said, sniffling.

"So I lied." Yuki said, wrapping his arms tighter around Shuichi. "I was trying to forget what we were."

"Were you ashamed?" Shuichi asked softly, trying to slide out of Yuki's grip, but Yuki just held on tighter.

"No. I didn't want to miss you. I failed miserably." Yuki said, smirking. Shuichi smiled and snuggled tighter to the author.

"I love you." Shuichi said quietly, dozing off slightly, but awake enough to catch Yuki's next words.

"I love you too." Yuki said, smiling. Shuichi fell asleep with a smile, the events of the day taking their toll on him. Yuki stayed like that, sitting on the floor of his apartment, for a while longer, just looking at Shuichi. He had been certain that he had lost him, just as he had realized how much Shuichi had meant to him.

''They say that if you love something, then you have to let it go. If it truly loves you, then it will come back.'' Yuki mused. 'I guess whoever said that knew something after all.'

End

Happy Valentines Day, folks- well, almost. I wrote this a while ago. The song begged for it. I've only seen episodes 1-3 and read the first two books, so sorry if they were OOC. I tried, k? 


End file.
